About a year and a half ago I came across the blog “Stuffeurasianmaleslike” . For the first time in my life I felt that there was somebody else out there who felt the way I did about being eurasian. I felt, as an eurasian person that I was supposed to live up to this mythified life of being extremely attractive, smart and accepted by both Asians and Caucasians. That I was supposed to live up to the” eurasian beauty” and the “best of both worlds” myths. Instead, when I look in the mirror I see a jumble of asian and caucasian features that don’t synchronize with eachother….something is wrong with my face, my body, my soul…… I am a slow thinker, I have been asked if I suffer from a learning disability before and I have wondered it myself many times.I never had a date in highschool and I lost my virginity to a taxi driver who took advantage of me.Despite my mother’s best efforts to turn me into a piano virtuoso, I suck at it. and it’s not as if I was lazy and didn’t practice. I’m just simply stupid and talentless.
I feel rejected from both my Asian and Caucasian cultures. I am also female. I feel many people, though shocked by the idea that a eurasian may lead less than a charmed life are able to swallow the fact that a male might feel that way a little easier. But they can’t possibly conceive that a female eurasian may feel this way. Afterall, we’re all supposed to be hot, exotic import models aren’t we?! Men are supposed to lust after our petite Asian bodies with just the right amount of non-asian curves and we all are supposed to have beautiful silky asian hair and exotic almond shaped but not “chinky” eyes right?! I feel I was groomed from birth, had it written from birth to be a prostitute to white and other non asian men. The eurasian son of asian female/white male couplings feels emasculated by his parents union. He feels emasculated at birth, he feels doomed to live stripped of his masculinity . The eurasian female is doomed from birth to be a prostitute to white and other non Asian men as a result of her mother’s poor choice. I feel I was doomed to be a semen receptacle. I do not belong to any “in group” I am forever doomed to be a woman without brethren to back her. Forever doomed to be an “othered” slut.I prefer asian men. I steer clear of White and other non asian men in my dating choices. but that doesn’t insulate me from the perceptions others have of me that I’ m a little half Asian prostitute.
It all became so clear to me at age 11. when my goofy white father decided to sit me down and have a chat with me about “what a beautiful young woman I was turning into” . He went on to tell me that I was only to date white men. When I asked him why, he told me that white men were “more civilized” and would be the only men capable of taking care of me, his little future semen receptacle princess. I asked him if Asian men were okay since I was half asian. He simply answered “no”. His racism became even more clear to me when my younger brother became of dating age and my father started pushing him towards asian girls and setting him up with young asian women (who I have no clue how the heck he met, nor do I want to know) who he would often assign descriptors such as “silky raven hair” and “petite” to. So it was written, my brother was supposed to end up with an asian woman, and I was supposed to end up with a white dood.
Hate me or disagree with me all you want but I know that asian female/white male couples don’t exist in spite of racism but instead occur because of racism. They are not indicators of how “love is colourblind” or triumphant displays against racism. The future children are not “bridges” nor are we for the most part particularily beautiful or intelligent. I am proud to proclaim I am genetic garbage. I hope one day to proclaim this to the next smug faced asian female/white male couple I see. But I’m a coward so…..